Why am I so stuck in my baby daydreams? I keep trying to remind myself that most of this is out of my control.
As the time till delivery nears, it can get a little scary. Even though I feel like we have all our baby necessities, how ready can you ever really be?
I don’t know yet if this baby will sleep, how she’ll eat, or if she’ll scream. And because I don’t know I have a tendency to imagine how I’d like things to be.
I have in my head how I’d like everything to go. Deliver just a few days early. (I’m shooting for Valentine’s Day, 4 days before my actual due date.) No need for induction. A smooth labor, not much pushing, and no new stitches.
Then when they move us up to recovery I imagine seeing my baby—I’m picturing a head of dark hair. I hold her and nurse her and everything happens just like it’s meant to. She sleeps soundly, there’s no need to send her to the nursery so I can sleep and no need to give her formula to supplement her nutrition.
A few calm days in the hospital. I feel good enough to see a few visitors and they coo over my beautiful new girl. My husband brings me a cheesesteak from the greasy spoon downstairs. (If my stomach is up for it, this is definitely going to happen. They’re really good.)
I come home to greet my toddler, who’s missed me. And he investigates the new baby calmly. My Mom and my husband tend to me and my son, while the baby and I hole up in the bedroom sleeping and feeding. After a week or two, I start to carry her around the house in a wrap or carrier that she can get comfy in. My son gets to spend more time with her. My husband and I change diapers and wash onesies and shush and bounce our new baby to sleep.
For the four weeks of my husband’s paternity leave and the visits from our parents, we manage a smooth transition to a household of 4.
Of course, this fantasy only lasts so long. I can’t quite envision a beautiful fantasy AFTER my husband goes back to work and I’m suddenly there with 2 kids all by myself. That part is terrifying, but everything else is lovely in my mind.
As nice as it is to think about all this, I know I’m deluding myself.
When my son was born I was a wreck. And that’s putting it mildly. I had daily hormonal meltdowns. Breastfeeding wasn’t working so I spent all day pumping, feeding, washing and then starting over again. I got mastitis when he was only a couple weeks old, complete with a crippling fever and 12 hours of observation in the ER. There were lactation appointments and newborn well-check appointments. I took a long time to recover physically and wondered if I’d ever feel like myself again.
I think that may be why I’m so stuck in my baby daydreams. I want to make it better this time. But I keep trying to remind myself that most of this is out of my control. My baby will be who she is, whether she has a head of lovely dark hair or light hair or no hair at all. She may be a champion breastfeeder, or she may have the same problems my son did. Maybe she’ll be cuddly and quiet or maybe she’ll be colicky.
I can’t predict any of it. And as my due date gets closer I am trying to make peace with my baby, whoever she is.
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